


Ghost: An Addendum

by lancer365



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Based on Episode s06e16, Drama, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lancer365/pseuds/lancer365
Summary: After almost two years apart, Olivia and Alex take a moment to reflect on the shooting that impacted both of their lives. Will they finally acknowledge their feelings for each other as emotions begin to stir? (Chapter 4 up :) )
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**A.N. Not sure what to say about this. Just something I thought up after watching the episode. Takes place towards the end of the episode, where Olivia spends the night with Alex before the trial. Don't mind the bad title.lol. And for giving this story a chance, thank you. :) Disclaimer: I don't own SVU.**

**Ghost: An Addendum**

“You didn’t see this file.”

It couldn’t be.

Alex took the manila folder, catching the unease on Olivia’s face. Once again, the detective put her career in jeopardy. Alex opened it, smirking at the ammunition in Liam Connors’s past. She never went to court unprepared, prosecutor or witness, and now she wouldn’t have to. “Thank you, Liv.”

Olivia smiled. “I’m glad you’re back.”

A moment of silence hung between them. Olivia turned to the window, her eyes scanning over the cityscape she’d seen many times. Intrigued, Alex couldn’t help but watch her and smile. Closing the file, she put it on the windowsill and took a chance, pulling Olivia into a hug. It only took a moment for her to realize her mistake as Olivia stiffened, hesitating before she returned the embrace.

Warm fingertips rested at the base of her neck. Alex furrowed her brow at how her heart beat against her chest at their closeness.

_A sudden punch to her back, knocking the wind out of her. Unspeakable pain overwhelming her body, pulsing incessant._

Alex’s grip tensed around the woman in her grasp, but she tried not to cling too desperately. From over Olivia’s shoulder, her eyes burned as memories from that awful night surfaced. She never thanked her, but without Liv she would’ve bled out long before the paramedics arrived.

Hands pressed to her shoulders and forced her back as Olivia backed out of the hug, wiping a tear from her eye as she walked away and took a seat on the couch.

Longer hair and a softer gaze. Things had changed about Liv, yet the familiarity between them lasted, as they picked up right where they left off almost two years ago.

_“Alex, it’s okay Alex, Alex look at me…”_

Alex, _that_ was her name, not Emily. No matter how hard she tried to assume her new role, it wasn’t her. The suburbs? No, not for her. While it was peaceful, it was too stilted and—dare she say—fake; a peace too good to be true. And the insurance agency? God no, she was a prosecutor who belonged between the stuffy walls of the courthouse, testing the blood in the water before striking.

Sadness crept into her eyes as she watched the detective hang her head. “I heard you.”

Olivia looked up, their eyes connecting. “Heard me say what?”

“…My mind was going haywire...” Alex turned to the window, speaking soft with her arms hugged across her chest. “What I remember most was the pain, _excruciating_ pain, like I’d never felt.” She breathed out the recollection of agony, her eyes watering at the horrid memory. “And your hand...” Alex closed her eyes with a squeeze as she remembered Olivia’s palm pressing unforgivingly into the wound. She opened her eyes, catching a stray tear that fell from a corner. “I know you were trying to save me, but it hurt so much.” 

Alex looked to Olivia; the detective’s mouth slightly agape and her brown eyes wide, almost horrified at hearing the admission.

Heaviness seeped into the room and Alex smiled acquiescently, realizing she’d soured the mood. “But it wasn’t like I could protest.” She continued anyway. It felt good, releasing the weight she’d carried on her shoulders for too long.

“Alex…” She heard the guilt in Olivia’s voice as the detective’s brow turned up at the inward corners.

“Do you know what it’s like to feel paralyzed, to be terrified that something’s happening to your body and you can’t do anything?”

Olivia’s jaw clenched and she looked to her folded hands resting idly in her lap, not bothering to fill the silence.

“I was so scared. I saw you but...I couldn’t respond.” Alex paused. “And then...nothing. No pain…just…” She shrugged. “Nothing. The next memory I have is of Hammond standing over me in the hospital, talking to me about witness protection.”

* * *

_“…Stay with me, stay with me Alex…Alex it’s okay, look at me…”_

She never forgot that night; a void consuming the life in Alex’s eyes with each passing moment.

Olivia stood and walked over, taking the ex-A.D.A.’s arm and guiding her to the couch at seeing the fear lingering in her eyes. “I was scared too.” She gently confessed as they sat side by side. “You were losing a lot of blood, way too fast…” Olivia leaned forward and slid her elbows to her knees, keeping her gaze trained on the coffee table in front of them. “So when they told Elliot and I that you had died, I figured it was true.” She paused and put a hand over her eyes, her lips pressing together tight. Alex was fine after all, no need to drum up emotions that had no use being shown. “I rode in the ambulance with you and Elliot took the squad car to Mercy.” Olivia’s hand dropped to her lap and she turned them both palm-up. “I held your hand...and you were getting cold.” Her voice cracked at the end, quickly covered up by a clear of her throat.

“Liv.” Alex leaned into her, and Olivia watched stagnantly as a pale hand took hers but didn’t expect the arm that came around her back.

 _‘Come on Alex…don’t die on me. You’re stronger than this…I know it.’_ Snapshots of her frantic thoughts returned, as Olivia recalled watching the paramedics tend to Alex in the ambulance and squeezing her hand just before they took it.

 _‘Keep it together.’_ Clenching her teeth behind her lips, Olivia blacked out any thoughts about the chaotic ride to the hospital, the cardio machines beeping their warnings, and the word “coding” being thrown around.

She froze as Alex’s chin came to her shoulder; their faces touching as the woman rubbed her arm in consoling up and down motions.

“...Thank you...” Alex whispered.

To her own surprise, Olivia chuckled. “You owe me a hundred-and-fifty bucks.”

“For what?”

Olivia felt the woman gaze touching the side of her face as Alex lifted from her shoulder.

“For dry cleaning.”

Alex rolled her eyes and scoffed with a grin. “I was _dying_.”

“And you made a big mess of it.” Olivia smiled.

With a content sigh Alex relaxed, finding her place on the detective’s shoulder once again. This time the gesture less tentative, as though she’d sat with Olivia like this many times before. But this was the first time. Maybe the pacifying country fields, and hospitality of Wisconsin had softened her. Without the publicity surrounding the D.A.’s office, Alex didn’t have to be constantly mindful or careful of how much of herself she allowed to show.

This Alex felt real, warm, and not impervious as so many thought her to be.

“There was blood everywhere, Alex.” Olivia’s smile faded and her tone turned serious. “On my pants, my sleeves...” She paused. “And a…pretty ungodly stain on the sidewalk.”

Deep crimson, nearly black, she’d gotten a lengthy stare at the terrible puddle the moment paramedics transferred Alex into the ambulance.

“Do I owe them too?”

The playful smile in Alex’s voice lifted her spirits. “Who?”

“The people who cleaned it up.”

Olivia gave a wry chuckle. “It’s probably still there.”

“You think—”

“No, I’m not taking you to see it.” Olivia held a gentle smile, but her words were stern as she looked to her silver watch. “It’s after 9.” She pulled her hand from Alex’s and gave the woman’s thigh a quick squeeze. “You should prep for tomorrow.” She let go, but Alex took her hand, reclaiming it once more.

“I’m sorry Liv.”

Olivia took a deep breath and tightened her grasp on Alex’s hand, suppressing a fleeting thought to entwine their fingers as she captured the memory of its warmth to soothe her resurfacing nightmares. “Don’t feel that way, you have no reason to. You’re here now. That’s what matters.” She slipped from Alex’s embrace all together and headed to the bathroom. “I’ll be back.”

She closed the door and rested her forehead against the solid wood, letting a ragged breath escape from between her lips. In and out she breathed through her mouth, trying to stay as quiet as possible as tears rushed her eyes.

Alex had no idea, but she couldn’t hold her like that.

Grabbing the rim of the sink, Olivia turned the water on, just enough to mask the sobs she felt threatening to break.

_‘Keep it together.’_

Her lip quivered but she continued to breathe as she braced against the sink, her hands squeezing the porcelain. She tried to blink back the inevitable tears, but they fell one after the other into the sink. After everything—witnessing Alex’s shooting, the blood on her hands, Alex’s return from the dead, the story about the claims adjuster, their long overdue hug, and Alex’s embrace—she could only translate the onslaught of mixed emotions into overwhelmed tears. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Ghost: An Addendum** **—Part 2**

_‘She held my hand…’_

It probably wasn’t much to reflect on, but the image of Olivia with her in the ambulance made the traumatic ordeal that night easier to live with.

_‘Is it bad if I just want to tackle and squeeze her?’_

Standing at the window with the file folder cradled in both hands, Alex lifted her gaze, unaware of her smile. _‘Why her…’_ She shook off her thoughts and turned her attention to the police record. _‘I need to focus.’_

_‘Liam Connors, referred to as Ghost ha_ _— What’s taking her so long?’_

Alex rolled her eyes. The pages might as well have said “Olivia” a thousand times over.

She looked out the window, a chill trying to force its way through the thick-layered glass as she lost herself in a daze. Her arms were wrapped around Olivia’s midsection, tight and unrelenting. But most importantly, Olivia was smiling and— _‘Shit.’_ Alex sighed with a grumble, looking to the documents and keeping the expletive to herself.

_'Would she even let me?’_

Rejection, in all honesty, she never feared it. Suitors—of all kinds—sought _her_ out. But Liv didn’t seem fazed by her good looks. There was the occasional stare, but nothing indicating greater attraction. Most of the time the detective was so engrossed in the case at hand, that their interactions were relegated to something short and work-related. She wanted more of those conversations that turned personal when they only had each other for company.

Even then, Olivia spoke measured and careful, watching what and how much she said, often opting to be a listener. But the tranquil darkness harbored in her eyes made her a rather tough person to approach with matters of the heart, and trying to “figure her out” was a labyrinthine quest bound to fail from the start.

A couple times Alex tested the waters between them, throwing out a comment about a date she’d been on or had coming up, but Olivia’s resolve was rock solid. She’d get quiet, not bothering to fill the awkward silence, and sometimes even amusedly smile.

_“How’d it go?”_

Olivia never failed to ask about the date the next time they met, forcing her to push out an honest _“They were nice but…”_

_“Hang in there Cabot.”_ Olivia’s half-hearted consolation over her failed dates always seemed too smug; a small smile resting on the detective’s features as she gave her a supportive pat.

_“What’s so funny?”_ She always wanted to catch Olivia before the woman could escape and ask that but didn’t feel like opening pandora’s box and pouring an unnecessary amount of tension between them.

A smile tugged at the corner of Alex’s mouth. Her childish antics and manipulations never garnered the rise out of Olivia she hoped for. If anything, her talks of dating probably killed any chances with the detective.

_“I want to date you.”_ Straight forward, quick and easy, that’s what she wanted to say. But to preserve their friendship and avoid a weirded-out look from Olivia, a blunt approach wasn’t wise.

Alex’s smile faded and she glanced to the empty couch. There was no gut feeling, no careful thought before she reached over taking Liv into that embrace, just automatic response after feeling Olivia’s guilt.

Olivia didn’t squirm or pull away. It surprised her how willingly the detective accepted her display of “friendly” affection. But something stirred within her, telling her this time it would be harder to let go.

It scared her.

Liv was here, real, not a figment of her memories. And feeling the detective mesh against her with every breath, squeezing her hand…she could’ve sat there forever.

Eric, the claims adjuster.

With his warm brown hair, eyes the same shade, and tan skin, she couldn’t help but see a resemblance. More times than she wanted to admit, she’d envisioned Olivia’s arms around her as she slept, only to shake off the disquieting thoughts or wake from embarrassingly vivid dreams.

_“Surely just a coincidence. Many people have brown hair and tan skin. I’m digging too deep”,_ she’d tell herself and attempt to move on with her day.

_‘Be blunt, say something. How much time have you wasted? If the friendship is meant to survive it will.’_

Alex relented to her alter ego’s truth with a sigh. All the missed opportunities to get closer to Olivia before witness protection still haunted her.

_‘Don’t you want answers? You might never get a chance like this again.’_

Alex’s gaze turned to the stagnant city view outside the window. Liv joked about the characteristic smell of rotting garbage ruminating in Manhattan’s air, but this was home. Everything was here.

She closed the folder around her thumb.

Openness lingered between them tonight, but her thoughts drifted back to Eric just as she mustered the strength she needed.

_“The man of women’s dreams, huh…But does he know how to make money?”_ That’s what her cynical, high-society mother chuckled over the phone as she told her about Eric’s gentle and tender nature. _“Well…at least you’re not a lesbian…always thought you’d be one for some reason. Maybe it was the suit.”_ That’s also what her mother said, to which she incredulously smirked on the other end of the phone.

Eric’s advances were smooth and charming, but she’d been weary of them nonetheless, waiting for his ulterior motives. They never came. She enjoyed his company. He’d wrap his arms around her waist and kiss the crook of her neck; she would smile. And on those rougher days, he’d be there with his bright grin, trying to lift her spirits as he consoled her fears and worries.

It could’ve worked. He had a way of fascinating her, wasn’t bad in bed, and…

She clenched her jaw as her thoughts strayed.

No, it could’ve worked…

But when he said “Emily” as they made love it never failed to send a chill down her spine, like nails on a chalkboard ripping her out of a dream and into reality, reminding her of everything she’d lost.

Accepting his bashful promises with uncertain but grateful smiles and turning his chaste kisses into something more, she tried to be what he needed, to fulfill what she needed in return. But emptiness lingered, forever hanging over her “new life”.

No matter how much she tried to force the door closed, her past always escaped through the cracks.

Getting used to a new existence and leaving behind the old was supposed to be the plan. No court, no Manhattan, and no Liv.

It was nearly a success. They’d taken her phone, her apartment, her car, even her clothes—everything and anything linking her to “Alex”. But they couldn’t take the fear inducing memories, waking nightmares, and chronic pain that resurfaced every couple of months.

The media, the movies, they had it all wrong with their rose-colored depictions. It was impossible to get shot and come out unscathed. 


	3. Chapter 3

**_A.N. Due to life circumstances, I have to get this story out quickly. So, my writing may not be the best._ **

* * *

**_Outskirts of New York City_ **

_“I think she’ll do fine on the stand, provided she can keep it together.” Alex walked out of the small house, Olivia at her side in all black business attire._

_“Hopefully, this case depends on it.”_

_They were halfway to the unmarked squad car parked on the curb when Olivia’s phone rang._

_“Hey El, what’s up?” Olivia stopped and Alex beside her, both standing in the middle of the concrete walkway._

_With a glance in the detective’s direction, Alex tried to gauge the mood of the conversation by the look on Olivia’s face._

_Laughter blasted through the phone speaker and a tight smile stretched across Olivia’s face as she pulled the phone away from her ear to save her hearing, hanging her head with a gentle shake._

_Alex smiled. Big brother was picking on his annoyed sister again. That’s how it always was between the two of them, especially when Elliot ran out of work-related things to do. Their bond, strong and resilient, was special, making them one of the precincts most dependable pairs. Arguably, it was Olivia’s high level of tolerance that evened everything out._

_Sticking her hands in the pockets of her tan overcoat, Alex ignored the rest of the conversation, her eyes drifting about the cramped faux-suburb._

_The neighborhood had definitely seen better days. From the cracked, stained sidewalks blackened with time, to the neighboring yards with overgrown grass and weeds; Broken and rusted chain link fences leaning at their posts, not doing much to keep anyone out._

_“Yeah, we’re on our way back now.”_

_Tires screeched in the distance. A black Chevy Impala zoomed down the street, until it slowed to a coast right in front of the house. Her gut warned that something wasn’t right, and when a handgun peeked out the rolling down passenger window of the car her eyes widened._

_“Liv!”_

_Bullets cracked through the silent Monday afternoon, the cellphone dropped to the concrete, and before Alex knew it the detective had grabbed and dove her to the grass._

_Shielding Alex from the bullets with her own body, Olivia locked on, fierce, arms squeezing relentless; a hand at the back of Alex’s head pressing the frozen woman to her chest, the other clenched around her shoulder as the detective protected Alex’s most vulnerable areas with her back to the shooter._

_Like a volley of explosions, shots continued into the air, some punching into the house’s wood siding, while others dangerously ricocheted off nearby objects._

_Suffocated against Olivia’s body Alex felt a rock of momentum; the woman grunting, tightening her hold._

_Another, greater rock shook them, and this time Olivia growled a little louder, forcing through clenched teeth something along the lines of “Fuck”._

_The bullets stopped, car tires screeched, followed by an aggressive roar of the engine that faded away soon after._

_Olivia’s grip stayed tight around her even after the car fled, but as it slowly loosened Alex came back to reality; Olivia’s abnormal breaths scattered with labored intakes, hard pauses, and forced exhales._

_“Liv.” Alex wedged out of the embrace and caught the blood staining her coat. “Liv!” She rolled the detective over, praying she wouldn’t see hollowing eyes._

_Olivia’s eyes blinked open, groggy and dazed, but Alex couldn’t find a sigh to express her relief, her heart racing with panic. She ripped off the glasses that had been bent across the frame from the force of Olivia’s squeeze and stuffed them in her pocket. “Liv can you hear me?”_

_Slowly, the detective rolled onto her knees and tried to push herself off the ground but grunted, collapsing onto her side with a thud._

_“Stop moving.” Alex scooted closer, pulling Olivia flat to the grass, and pressing a hand to Olivia’s shoulder to still her movement._

_“Alex…I need you to focus. Get the phone…call Elliot.”_

_She hesitated to leave._

_“Alex do it.”_

_At the command in Olivia’s voice, Alex slipped from the detective’s side and rushed to the flip phone lying in the middle of the walkway. She looked at it, her eyes widening. The call was still going._

_She put the phone to her ear. “Elliot.” No answer, but sirens flooded the other end. “Elliot are you there?” She hurried back to Olivia and knelt, her eyes darting to the blood soaking the bottom left of Olivia’s shirt. “Elliot come on!”_

_“Cabot? Are you hurt? Where’s Liv?”_

_“She’s been shot, twice I think.” Hovering over Olivia, Alex held the phone to her ear with her shoulder, her fingers tugging Olivia’s shirt from beneath the belt, working at the lower buttons as she ignored Elliot’s calls for “Officer down” over the radio._

_She pushed the shirt up and paled at the nasty purplish bruise spread across Olivia’s lower abdomen, half obscured by the blood coming through the sizable puncture in her skin. “Shit Elliot this is bad. She’s bleeding internally.” She heard her anxious tone but couldn’t help it._

_“Cabot stay on the line. We’re almost there. Keep her awake.”_

_“Liv stay with me.” Alex’s eyes jumped about, searching Olivia’s body for any more spots where blood seeped through clothing. Then she caught it, the blood running down Olivia’s right hand. She slid Olivia’s arm out of the overcoat, cringing at the grunts of agony from below. With her fingers painted red, she rolled up the sleeve and swallowed the sour lump in her throat at the bullet hole torn through Olivia’s forearm. “Shit.” Liv couldn’t have been able to feel that hand._

_Alex covered the limp hand with her own, looking up in time to watch Olivia’s eyes close and her head roll to the side. “No, Liv.” She grabbed the woman’s chin and pulled Olivia’s face back to her. “Liv…Liv.” Her eyes darted about the detective’s face. “Elliot she’s not responding.”_

_No answer._

_“Elliot.”_

_Again, no answer._

* * *

**_Wisconsin—2005_ **

_Alex jolted awake, her chest heaving with heavy breaths. The head spinning, heart pounding fear; it all felt too real. But tonight wasn’t as bad, she didn’t wake up screaming or feeling so nauseous she could puke. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her back._

_The bullets cracking through the air loud and crisp; Olivia’s fingers clenched and digging into her shoulder. She was there. She smelled the stale air and felt the change to Olivia’s breaths from where she lay pressed to the detective’s body._

_Alex sat up and deflated with a sigh, her face in her hands, tremors rippling beneath her skin like small aftershocks._

_The setting and circumstances fluctuated but the same premise tormented her dreams. Olivia got shot instead of her, and she always woke up somewhere around the moment Olivia’s eyes closed, never knowing if Elliot made it or if Olivia died. She filled in the rest with a happier ending to save her sanity._

_Looking over, Alex groaned at the digital alarm clock, her pounding heart beats returning to normal._

_“1:45AM”_

_She slipped out of bed, picking up her cell phone off the nightstand and leaving her bare-chested companion as she escaped the room. In her t-shirt and shorts she wandered amongst the dark, blue-ish shadows of the house; the untouched wood of the staircase chilling the bottoms of her feet as she descended, stepping off and heading to the living room._

_Right into the comforting plush of her favorite armchair she plopped, sinking in and drawing her legs up._

_Flipping open the phone she squinted at the illuminated blur of black splotches. With a tired grumble, she reached for her spare set of glasses on the adjacent end table. Her eyes burned from the sudden light and her own lack of sleep, but the words cleared as she pushed the glasses on and navigated to an unnamed contact._

_‘I want to hear your voice. It’s stupid…all it takes is a push of a button. No one else has to know we spoke, and I know you’d keep it a secret.’_

_‘212-309-8829’ Alex stared at the number for a second longer before tossing her head back to the chair and furrowing her brow at the ceiling. By memory, she’d programmed the number into her new phone shortly after Hammond destroyed her old one. Elliot’s number was here too, just in case. In the event Olivia’s number changed or stopped working, he was a direct link to her._

_‘How are they doing? Is she okay? I’m sure she is but I want to hear her say it.’_

_Alex sighed. If she could just have a few moments to find out. But she wasn’t going to act like her communications weren’t tracked and monitored. Hammond never said they were, but a prosecutor knew all the tricks of the trade. Granted, witness protection probably had some underhanded methods of monitoring she didn’t know about._

_Sometimes, she just had to trust that Hammond respected her privacy._

_She’d lost count of how many times she’d sat in this chair during the twilight hours, thinking of how fulfilling a conversation with those from her past life would be. Was Liv smiling? Did she ever wonder about her? Who was the new A.D.A.? What was happening in her absence? What new threats had Liv and Elliot encountered?_

_Alex slumped in the chair and closed the phone. No matter how bad she wanted to, she couldn’t break the system. It was in place for her protection and even theirs._

_Sometimes tears came, but tonight they didn’t._

_“Emily?”_

_She sat up and turned over her shoulder, watching Eric meander out of the shadows in his boxer shorts._

_“I’ll be up in a minute, go back to sleep.” She turned away from him._

_“You sure_ _—”_

_“I’m right behind you.” A guilty feeling stirred in her gut at the lack of conviction in her voice._


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N. This chapter is a hot mess. I hope you can find something good in it. But after 8 months of staring at it and editing it to oblivion, I am done with this chapter. I apologize if it doesn’t flow well with the rest of the story. This was the hardest 3000 words I have ever dealt with.lol. I just could never get this one right.**

**Here are some mood setting songs: BANKS- Contaminated, Godless, SRSQ-Temporal Love :)**

* * *

**Present**

_“Who’s Liv? Who’s Elliot?”_

Alex paled when Eric asked her that one morning. Apparently, some of her dreams were not only recurring but heard.

_“They’re friends I used to know.”_ She left it at that and never spoke of it with him again. More accurately, refused.

_*_ Click _*_

At the sound of the bathroom door Alex looked over.

Drying her face with a white hand towel Olivia approached, silently heading to the couch.

What were they supposed to do now?

The air staled.

Why did she bring up the shooting in the first place? It shouldn’t have been the first thing they talked about after just meeting again. The beauty of Wisconsin or what her life was like in the suburbs, those were safe conversation starters. But she didn’t have time to waste with Liv. There was no certainty that she’d be able to stay in Manhattan.

This night was a chance, one chance.

Taking the towel from her face, Olivia caught Alex’s gaze with a sudden halt in her steps.

Alex stared, time passing her; the detective’s damp hair and slicked bangs mesmerizing her. It was such a simple sight but inspired so many feelings at the first time seen; Olivia’s subtle but striking masculine edge seeming to be one of the woman’s many gifts. _‘She’s…’_

“What?”

Olivia’s voice snapped her to reality before she could find a proper word to describe... _whatever_ the detective was in that moment. Her heart thumped…but only because she’d been caught. Right?

Of course, that was the logical reason. Alex glanced down, letting go of the breath she’d unknowingly captured in her chest.

“Something wrong?”

That gentleness to Olivia’s voice...the woman had a way of speaking as though she knew there was something that needed to be said.

Alex looked up, meeting the detective’s concerned gaze.

Those beautiful eyes…had seen so much, but still managed to retain some humanity. Once dubbed the Ice Queen, she sometimes wondered if the same could be said for her. She had a bad habit of losing touch with her softer side. Empathy, patience, and compassion were never priorities; emotions were messy. And it was typically Olivia who caught her oversteppings and corrected her when the law clouded her conscience.

Balance, Olivia forced her to find it over the years, even when others willed her to remain true to the law. Donnelly, her greatest mentor…and greatest example of how their practice calloused the heart but fortified the mind.

Her opposite in many ways, Olivia kept her tethered. To what and why? She couldn’t explain yet.

Alex sighed. Such deep, involved thoughts for someone so oblivious to her inner turmoil, nothing could feel more troubling.

“Alex?”

The room’s dim light masked the slight glassy, pink tint coloring the whites of Olivia’s eyes, but Alex still saw it. “Nothing.” Her brow tensed as she turned back to the window. “So, what do you know about Connors?”

“That he’s a remorseless, self-righteous prick.” Olivia continued to the couch, tossing the towel to the coffee table. “He had no problem shooting an eight-year-old in the head. That should tell you what kind of scum he is, if the file doesn’t already.” Olivia bent over, wedging out of her shoes and setting them aside, her hair falling from its loosely slicked position.

_‘She’s gorgeous.’_ Alex finally admitted it, setting the file on the windowsill, color and warmth rising to her pale cheeks.

“Your testimony will stick him behind bars for good.”

“…That’s not set in stone.” Her words an automatic response, Alex let her eyes traipse along Olivia’s figure, her hands itching to touch the woman’s skin, to explore its nuances and feel the life beneath her fingers. _‘Liv.’_

Standing up, Olivia pushed the hair from her face and looked right into Alex’s eyes. “You’ll figure it out.” She answered with not a falter to her words; the silver glow of city lights caressing Olivia’s cheek, shimmering bleakly in her gaze.

“You sure do have a lot of faith in me detective.” Alex’s feet started moving before she could properly think.

“Because I know you.” Olivia flashed an alluring, crooked grin that only drew Alex in further; her smirk to Olivia’s proud response short-lived, as was Olivia’s quickly fading smile.

A frown emerged on Olivia’s face, the woman’s eyes darting about, glancing past Alex’s shoulder; the detective probably deciding how to escape.

“Alex…”

Alex ignored Olivia’s cautious tone.

Fear, she saw it _that night_. It was the last glimpse of the detective’s eyes she got before everything went black. And here it was again, as turmoil gathering in Olivia’s gaze. Not the terror she remembered but present none the less.

But wait…

Another peculiar emotion surfaced in that gaze and kept drawing her forward. She couldn’t place it. Olivia wanted something, she just hoped it was the same thing.

Her relationship with Olivia was always…unique; Olivia’s sideways glances were about the only thing that unnerved her when she started as the precinct’s A.D.A six years ago. She pawned off the peculiar feeling between them as hostility. Olivia wasn’t a fan of new people.

Olivia pushed her, made her mad, had her doubting decisions and rethinking situations. But before long, the detective became the most frequent guest to her office, with rare days where they didn’t see each other at least once.

It was one of Olivia’s visits where she caught herself sizing the detective’s form, noting—with a smile—the clothes and colors that looked best on her; that midnight blue button down one of her favorites.

Intentions were innocent, until her thoughts began to wander as she became comfortable with the detective’s presence. Olivia was always welcome in her office—even when she wasn’t; Alex seldom tired of the woman and the familiar warmth that trailed into the room after her.

How wonderful it would be to relax in Olivia’s embrace, if just once; the recurring thought leaked into her dreams. She just wanted to put her head on Olivia’s shoulder, close her eyes, and drift. In Olivia’s arms she believed she could find relief, taking a moment to collect herself before getting back to work.

Alex stopped in front of a puzzled gaze searching her own. She reached out, taking the detective’s arm.

“What is it?”

Funny, Olivia didn’t sound surprised when she asked that.

With her other hand Alex brushed back the damp locks of Olivia’s hair, slow and tender; her fingertips grazing the detective’s cheek. The suffocated breath she held within her chest soundlessly escaped from between her lips, soft and easy.

Eric didn’t make her heart thump like this, didn’t make her feel so utterly powerless. Olivia gave her renewed purpose, and suddenly those small, mundane things couples did seemed a lot less menial when it had meaning.

Holding Olivia’s hand, she’d like that. Giving the detective pecks on the cheek before they parted ways, she’d like that too. Knowing Olivia was hers, she couldn’t ask for more.

Alex smiled.

How stupid an idea it was to think she could walk away and turn her back on Liv forever. Somehow, this person would always be a part of her life.

Taking Olivia’s face Alex rushed in, meshing their lips. Olivia stepped back and she stepped forward, holding on tighter, not wanting to lose the rapture beginning to stir the atmosphere, pin pricks electrifying her skin.

She couldn’t let go.

Olivia grabbed Alex’s wrists and pushed back, tearing the kiss apart, breaking whatever trance had befallen the former prosecutor as she stared—shocked—into Alex’s eyes; their chests’ rise and fall heavier than before. “What’s gotten into you—”

“I…” A rush of emotion hit Alex as she looked to the hands still around her wrists. Her breath shuddered and she pulled from Olivia’s grasp, turning her back to the detective. 

_‘What have I done?’_ A chill rushed down her spine. She paced about, flustered, trying to keep from growing frantic. _‘You went too far, why couldn’t you just be happy with friendship?’_ Her gut twisted, hands covering her mouth in disbelief. _‘Face her. You have to face her. Fix what you’ve done.’_ She took a deep breath and turned to Olivia. “I am _so_ sorry…I-I don’t know what came over me.”

Olivia’s furrowing brow sent another chill down her spine, but a gentle understanding slipped into the gaze that sized her, inspecting every aspect it could see, assumedly to make sense of her intentions. Olivia wasn’t one to take being caught off guard easily.

Olivia’s jaw clenched and she looked down, searching the floor as though for an answer as her hand lifted and nursed the back of her neck.

“I hope I didn’t ruin anything between us.”

Olivia said nothing to make her think otherwise.

“I just had to know...”Alex watched her. If only she could know what was going on in the detective’s head. “It’s selfish, I know but…” She just rambled now. “But that gives me no right to do what I did.” Her heart skipped as Olivia started towards her. She held her ground but glanced down, sock-clad feet stopping less than an arm’s length away. She swallowed the lump in her throat and lifted her gaze, expecting to see those brown eyes boring into her soul, but Olivia’s focus turned elsewhere, studying her lips. “Say something Liv.”

The detective took her waist and pulled her close.

_‘Oh my God.’_

The hair on the back of Alex’s neck stood as Olivia’s lips pressed to hers.

As her surprise faded, Alex smiled.

The precinct, Liv smelled of it; New York’s musk an afterthought locked into her clothes as the wet tips of Olivia’s hair grazed her cheek and sent shivers down her neck.

With a surge of confidence, Olivia deepened the kiss.

_‘Is this happening?’_ Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia’s neck and Olivia gripped her waist, starting them in a new direction.

Seemingly random, Alex didn’t follow where in the room their messy footsteps were headed; her hands sliding down, drawing the detective’s shirt into her fists. _‘This is happening.’_

Hot, cold, her sensations were all over the place; a muddled, undecipherable mess whisking throughout her body.

Her heel hit an obstacle; her steps thwarted.

They crashed into each other, a thrust sending Alex into the wall as Olivia’s momentum rushed her.

***clunk***

She wasn’t pinned to a wall…but the door; Alex barely realized her back landed against the wood, but the violent jar of the lock within its enclosure gave it away.

Olivia closed any gap between them and kept kissing, wouldn’t let up—not that Alex wanted her to as Olivia’s hand curled around her shoulder.

However, a single returned kiss, maybe a chaste declaration—that’s all she hoped for. But she’d tossed fuel onto a flickering flame, and in its ignite it consumed her as well.

In Olivia’s greedy embrace her heart pounded and everything became a blur, even the kiss.

This wasn’t the reserved detective from the precinct…this person was everything Olivia held back, every starved aspect of her being.

Drawing the last bits of air from emptying lungs, Alex tightened her grip around Olivia’s shirt, pulling as though she could siphon a few breaths from the woman in her grasp; Olivia’s thigh grazing the inside of hers.

_‘God Liv.’_ Her clothes burned against her skin as an ache between her legs weakened her knees. As if attuned to her needs, the detective’s hand slipped under the hem of her shirt, clutching her waist, keeping her from sinking to the floor.

Alex’s chest tightened with each passing moment. She didn’t want to let go, she couldn’t. But…

Alex broke the kiss with a gentle gasp, lifting her gaze past Olivia’s shoulder to the full panel windows across the room, where they once stood just moments ago. Twinkling hues of amber and white, blurs of city lights—she assumed—caught her gaze yet she focused on none of it; Olivia kissing the crook of her neck was everything that mattered.

Chest to chest, Olivia had to feel her heart beating; the detective’s warm breaths teasing her skin.

Traveling up the length of her neck, each kiss lingered just long enough to stir frustration. With anyone else this would’ve already escalated into more—quick and to the point. They’d probably be nearly done about now, the sex just sex. But each new card Olivia played, deepened her intrigue. Alex wanted to feel every moment; Olivia awakening sensations she didn’t know were there. _‘How does she know exactly what to do?’_

A kiss landed in the right spot, desire rising to the depths of Alex’s throat as her skin drew into Olivia’s mouth.

She couldn’t contain it.

“Liv.” Alex moaned and a second later the same woman trying to devour her pushed off the door and let her go.

_‘Wait Liv I didn’t mean to—What am I thinking? Yes I did, and I’d do it again. I **want** to do it again.’_

Her empty hands trembled as she recovered her breaths and watched Olivia’s back; the detective pacing, running a hand through her hair before coming to a stop and planting the same hand on her hip.

Their chests heaved; their soft, huffed breaths mixing with the silence.

They couldn’t leave it at that.

Alex pushed off the door, finding her balance. Whatever that was she needed more; her eyes locked on the troubled detective. She started towards Olivia slow but confident, and after a deep breath Olivia turned to her.

“Alex—”

“No…” Alex shook her head. “Don’t start that.” She stepped closer.

“What—”

“Thinking.”

Olivia stopped her with a hand between them, albeit a weak attempt. “Alex please…we’re friends—”

“Just let it happen…things have already changed.” Alex closed the distance, Olivia’s hand against her stomach, the detective’s tentative gaze searching hers.

“Liv.” Alex carefully took Olivia’s wrist, not wanting to scare her off, but also, not wanting to let her go. This wasn’t a bump, brush, or friendly pat in passing back at the precinct. None of this could be mistaken for anything platonic or accidental.

“Please Liv.” She whispered, taking Olivia’s face into her hands gently, guiding the woman’s lips to hers. Olivia’s hand slid into the comfortable curve of her waist. This time the kiss was different, tender. Olivia tried to “do it right”, they both did, making sure there was more than just lust between them.

Alex glanced to the bed in the corner of her eye. “Come on.” She broke the kiss and took Olivia’s hand.

“Alex—”

Alex stopped and pulled the detective to her, silencing Olivia with another kiss as she backtracked to the bed one foot after the other until the edge of the bed met the backs of her legs.

She broke the kiss again, and this would be the last time she did. Alex eased onto the bed, glancing into Olivia’s eyes as she pulled the woman to her.

Olivia on all fours hovering over her was a sight that raised an overwhelming number of emotions.

Her breath caught in her chest again, exhilaration racing her heart so fast she thought it might stop. What an embarrassing moment that would be if it did.

She pulled Olivia down—maybe too fast; their teeth clicking in this new hungry kiss.

Olivia’s hand slid to the small of her back; a mostly smooth palm, traipsing along her skin, and Alex couldn’t help but arch to Olivia’s desires; the ache between her legs intensifying, hurting but pleasing at the same time.

God if she’d known their kiss would be this enthralling…

Who she was, where she was melted away, and Alex smiled, grabbing the detective’s belt to pull her closer.

Olivia resisted, breaking the kiss a moment later.

_‘What?’_ Alex’s brow tensed as she searched Olivia’s eyes. Adoration, want, hesitance, uncertainty…so much swarmed the detective’s gaze. But it was a semblance of fear that sobered Alex the most. Olivia was ruminating over making a mistake. She knew because she had the same thoughts. Maybe she was just better at pushing them away.

Their friendship meant so much…but this felt right too.

Alex inwardly sighed, slipping her hands under Olivia’s shirt; Olivia’s desire-warmed skin hot against her palms.

“What is it Liv?” She spoke soft, her fingers rubbing tender back and forths into the woman’s skin.

Olivia lifted her gaze away from her as she stared at the wall, losing herself in thought. Alex looked between their bodies, the chest above hers recovering from its heaving breaths; the detective’s gold necklace hanging between them, standing out in striking contrast against the woman’s caramel tan skin.

Olivia wasn’t going to answer her question. An answer would mean admitting something she wasn’t ready to. A tender, understanding smile lifted the corner of Alex’s mouth. “Hey.” She pulled her hands from beneath Olivia’s shirt and took the sides of Olivia’s face. “Look at me.”

Olivia did.

“Stop worrying.” Her thumbs stroked Olivia’s cheeks as the necklace’s glimmer caught her eye.

Olivia hung her head and grinned. “Look who’s telling me that.”

“Exactly.”

Olivia took a hand from her face and kissed the inside of the woman’s wrist. When their eyes connected the look in Olivia’s had changed. She’d made her decision, but not her peace. Leaning down, Olivia kissed her.

This was it.

Alex pulled Olivia’s hips to hers and Olivia didn’t hesitate, even as Alex’s grip tightened around the belt, her fingers curling into the detective’s jeans; a toe-clenching anticipation setting in as Olivia relaxed against her.

Olivia trapped her in another strong embrace, and Alex groaned her frustration.

She had to feel her…now.

Alex rolled them over, touching her forehead to Liv’s as she pulled Olivia’s belt apart. Working at the button and zipper beneath, Alex smirked at the faint, fresh smell of Olivia’s shampoo; the tip of her nose grazing the detective’s hair as she kissed Olivia’s ear on her way down.

She ignored the way her heart ached, pressing a kiss boldly to the crook of Olivia’s neck. Reality tried to push its way back to the forefront of her mind, telling her she was in too deep, telling her she wouldn’t be able to stay, and scolding her for not seeing what they had earlier.

“Alex.” Olivia called her name in the most relieved way, washing away those thoughts. They would resurface when this moment between them ended. But right now the only thing that mattered was giving the woman in her grasp what she wanted, and everything she deserved. Her name on Olivia’s lips her precious end-all.

* * *

**A.N.** I feel shitty about cutting it here. In truth, this was much longer...by about 2000 words. 


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